5 signs it could be time to lower your contact with a parent

Pretty much everyone has disagreements with their parents. For some, frequent arguments and ongoing tension negatively impact their lives to the point that they become estranged from their parents.

You don’t have to completely cut off contact to feel calmer and happier, even if you have a contentious relationship. Instead, you can try lowering how often you reach out — and how much you’re willing to open up.

“It’s often a way to preserve connection while protecting your peace,” Annie Wright, a therapist in California, told B-17. She said it works best for relationships that aren’t physically abusive or emotionally volatile, yet are still strained.

To someone who’s used to seeing their parents in person multiple times a week, low contact could be reducing visits to once a month. Others might feel better calling every other week or emailing a few times a year, according to Najamah Davis, a licensed clinical social worker in New Jersey.

Here are some of the signs that going low contact with a parent might benefit you.

You feel drained or stressed every time you talk

To know where you stand with your relationship, check how you feel when you talk to your parent.

“If those interactions consistently leave you feeling drained, guilty, or anxious, but they’re still love and shared history, low contact can be a middle pass,” Wright said.

For example, people with emotionally immature parents might notice they feel stressed out, angry, or deflated every time they hang up the phone.

Conversations that feel inappropriate, such as a parent giving unsolicited advice on a romantic relationship or criticizing your career, can be a sign to change up how you interact with them, Davis said.

Assess what you can personally handle, Wright said. If you know your mom will critique the cleanliness of your house every time she visits, it might mean you invite her over less often or meet up elsewhere.

You often regret opening up to them

Low contact isn’t just about how often you communicate. Often, it ties into how vulnerable you want to be in the relationship.

If your mother makes you feel worse when you bring up a problem in your life, “you might choose to stay at a very surface level,” Wright said. You can keep things neutral and logistical, talking about what their grandkid is up to or upcoming travel plans.

By guiding your conversations more, Davis said you can “maintain control over what is shared and discussed.”

You’ve tried to communicate what you need

Low contact doesn’t happen on a whim. “We’re hardwired to seek out connection with this person,” Wright said.

Usually, low contact seems like a better option after a person has already tried to state their needs in the relationship, she added. If you have an “eggshell parent” who is highly reactive and never apologizes, reducing how often you talk can be a more viable solution than keeping the status quo.

You still want a relationship

One of the biggest pluses of going low contact instead of no contact is that you can preserve the relationship, Wright said.

You might struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with a parent but find that they show up as grandparents, she said. Her clients have also went low contact because of financial dependence or because it’s less painful than going no-contact.

Another benefit of keeping some connection is the possibility of repair down the line. “You never know if your feelings towards that person might shift, if their behavioral patterns might shift,” Wright said.

You get along better with more boundaries

Going low contact makes it easier to maintain healthy boundaries.

By cutting down on negative interactions, it allows people “to enjoy the more pleasant moments,” Davis said.

If you tend to get into long, one-sided phone conversations with a parent, setting a shorter timeframe for calls can help. By giving yourself an out after 30 minutes, you can avoid feeling as exhausted.

In some cases, pulling away can change the dynamics of the relationship in the long term. “It makes some parents yearn more for that connection with their child,” Davis said.

Though Wright says this has been a “rare” occurrence in her practice, some of her clients reported that their relationships improved after they went low-contact. Some parents ended up going to therapy or making an effort to reconnect with their children.

“I have seen really beautiful relational shifts,” Wright said. “Here’s a parent willing to do the hard work and show up for the relationship.” In those instances, low contact was only a temporary phase.