6 easy things couples can do to avoid divorce, according to a divorce lawyer

All couples, whether they’re thinking of marriage or already wed, want a union that lasts. And while there is plenty of great advice on finding a solid partner and maintaining a strong marriage, sometimes the best tips can come from an unlikely source: a divorce lawyer.

James J. Sexton, an NYC divorce lawyer and author of “If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late,” told B-17 that the issues leading to divorce can seem dramatic, such as infidelity or financial impropriety.

But he believes that in most cases, the bigger problems are a symptom of the same thing: years of growing apart.

“There were all of these little disconnections along the way,” he said. “When a branch breaks in a snowstorm, the snowflake that was the one that caused it to break was no heavier than any of the other snowflakes.”

Sometimes, divorce is inevitable and the best course of action for everyone. But based on his experience, Sexton shared some of the things he recommends couples try before diving into an expensive divorce process.

Notice what you need in the relationship

Sexton believes marital problems stem from two things: “We don’t know what we want, and we don’t know how to express what we want to our partner.”

For example, a couple who just had a baby will likely experience a huge change to their sleep schedules and sex lives. That’s healthy and normal, Sexton said. At the same time, he said it’s important to note “how far off of baseline do we go, and for how long?”

“I think the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves,” Sexton said. A failure to acknowledge an off feeling in the relationship can spell disaster down the line.

Pay attention

Sexton said “when you stop paying attention, when you stop doing all of those little things to try to maintain connection,” you are dooming your relationship.

He had a client whose husband always noticed when her morning bag of granola was running low, and would restock it without her asking him. At some point in their marriage, he stopped, and that coincided with their drifting apart, she told Sexton.

Simply listening is one of the best ways to stay connected. People often express bids for attention, such as an interest or anecdote for work. The couples who lean into each other’s bids and ask follow-up questions are statistically happier.

Express your love often

“We want so much to find love and to be loved, and then once we have it, we’re very quick to just sort of forget about it and start taking it for granted,” Sexton said.

He’s seen some couples get into relationship “death spirals” because they’re too focused on scorekeeping. One person might feel like their partner isn’t doing enough to make them feel loved, so they refuse to do anything to make their partner feel loved, either.

Instead, Sexton thinks the better option is to be kind anyway, such as leaving a quick love note. “Maybe those little kindnesses, maybe that’ll inspire them to be kinder and better to you,” he said.

Be mindful of how you address problems

Sexton believes in being honest about the little issues that pop up, rather than letting them bubble over into eventual outbursts or silent resentment.

But how problems are brought up matters, he said. He thinks it’s wise to lead with positivity and a feeling of teamwork when bringing up issues. For instance, if you feel disconnected from your partner ever since they got a new job, you can frame it like “I love you so much, I know that we both have a lot going on, but this is so important to me. What can I do to help make sure that we keep this connection?”

That way, the other person is less likely to feel attacked and defensive.

Make it safe to be honest

Sexton believes it’s not only important to create a safe space when you’re bringing up issues, but when your partner does, too.

In his experience with couples who divorce over infidelity, he’s noticed a pattern with some couples: “The deception is happening because every time that there’s an honest sharing, it results in attacking.” Often, a partner who feels shamed for wanting more intimacy might feel like their last resort is cheating, even if it isn’t.

Examine your ideas around marriage

Part of the reason so many people struggle in relationships is their expectations around them, Sexton said. They’re influenced by perfect rom-coms or social media, where “we’re watching someone else’s greatest hits while we live our gag reel,” he said.

On the other side of the coin, couples might have overly negative views of marriage based on old stereotypes. “We have that sitcom, the woman’s rolling her eyes at the idiot husband,” Sexton said. Believing a spouse is a “ball and chain” sets you up for a failed (or just very sad) marriage.

Beyond all else, Sexton said to scrap those old-school ideas about marriage being tedious or your partner being oppositional to your happiness. “You really want your spouse to be your fan, your cheerleader,” he said. “There are 8 billion people in the world. They picked you. Why would you not want to be cheering for and encouraging each other?”