I’m an expat living in Lebanon. I’ve struggled over whether to leave, but I won’t because I love this country.

Brigitte Chahwan, who was born in Germany, has lived in Lebanon for almost 30 years.

Each time I get an email or automated call from the German foreign ministry (which has repeatedly urged German nationals to leave Lebanon), I think about leaving the country.

But, I ask myself: Where would I go? What would I do?

I have my life here. It’s not easy to just pack up and go somewhere else. I will stay in Lebanon as long as it is possible.

Lebanon is now my home

Although I was born in Germany, I’ve lived in Lebanon for nearly three decades. I first moved here with my ex-husband, and my children were born and raised here.

Lebanon is where my apartment is, where my friends are, and even where part of my family is.

I love that the people here are warm-hearted and welcoming, and living here has made me a much more open person.

Of course, if I were to move back to Germany, I would have friends and my father there, but it would no longer be my home.

It’s more nerve-racking to be outside the country

I live in an apartment in a coastal town just north of Beirut. It’s a beautiful place to live.

This morning, I heard Israeli planes overhead, and I’ve also heard the sounds of distant explosions.

When you’ve lived here for 30 years, and you hear something far away, you can tell right away it’s the sound of a bomb.

Thank God it was far away.

I was here in 2006 during the Israel-Hezbollah war, so I’ve experienced this sort of thing before.

When I think back to then, however, it was a very different story. Israel was bombing infrastructure all over the country, including two bridges near my house.

I was lucky because I have a garden apartment but my neighbors upstairs had damaged windows from the explosion.

Right now, I feel relatively safe.

It’s not that I’m not frightened, but you realize that the strikes is still some distance from my home — about 15 to 20 miles away.

While what is going on now is a really big crisis that is life-threatening for many people, especially in the south of Lebanon and parts of Beirut, I still feel good, right now, about being here.

In some ways, it’s more nerve-racking to be outside the country.

Smoke billows from the site of an Israeli airstrike that targeted Beirut’s southern suburbs on September 26, 2024.

Last year, shortly after October 7, I started becoming nervous about the situation.

I was feeling so scared and concerned that I bought a ticket to Germany.

But I didn’t feel any better there — I was constantly thinking about my family, my house, my garden, my pet, my friends, my neighbors, and my life in Lebanon.

You get more nervous outside than being here and facing the challenges and living it because, outside, you have a million pictures in your head and you don’t know what is really happening.

It’s not an easy life, living in Lebanon, but you have to adapt it. I have.

We’ve faced many internal problems lately — the economic crisis, COVID-19 came, and the blast in 2020.

If you’re a very anxious person, it’s the wrong country for you.

Staying, for now

Now, in this current situation, I will continue to adapt and stay here for as long as I possibly can.

Of course, if things get worse, I’ll have no choice but to leave.

The moment I feel like the situation has become totally uncontrollable, I’ll take my luggage and go.

If Iran gets involved, for example, then it definitely could very quickly spiral out of control. Then, you don’t know what could happen, and it could get really dangerous.

That is the point I would leave.

Right now, we are walking a very thin line, I know this, but I have to have faith.

For myself, I really have to wait until that point.

Of course, you don’t want to wait until the very last moment and have to be evacuated. Nobody wants this.

But nobody knows what exactly the future holds. When I feel like it’s getting too intense, I’ll need to find a way out.

But we all hope that it doesn’t come to that.