For Gen Zers tired of dating, applications for lavender marriages are open

For Gen Zers, a platonic marriage could be a good option for financial stability and comfort.

For many young people right now, the dating scene is rough, their families are far away, and housing is expensive.

To share the load, some are exploring the idea of “lavender marriages” — something that was once the preserve of the LGBTQ+ community.

The term was originally coined in the early 20th century to describe a union between a man and a woman in which one or both partners were homosexual as a way to hide their sexual orientation from society.

But on social media recently, the term “lavender marriages” has been appropriated by some Gen Zers who are tired of being broke, single, and lonely.

Some videos on TikTok with the hashtag #lavendermarriage have amassed millions of views on the platform.

Robbie Scott, a TikToker and musician with 300,000 followers, recently posted a video asking for “applications for a lavender marriage” because he wanted to live with someone to afford mortgage payments, utilities, and taxes.

“You can mess around with whoever you want, whenever you want, I don’t care,” he said in the video, which has received more than 5 million views. “In fact, I encourage it. Have fun. Live your best life.”

A modern-day lavender marriage

Edward Reese, a gender and sexuality expert at the LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi, told B-17 that traditionally, a lavender marriage was a legally binding marriage — which could confer benefits for partners including parental rights, healthcare coverage, tax breaks, inheritance rights, and more.

“People can do it in case one or both partners don’t have family or have gone no contact, and their lavender spouse becomes not only their best friend but a legal family member,” he said.

But the modern version of a lavender marriage could also simply be an agreement between two people to live their lives like a married couple, without the sex.

This is different from having a roommate, who can move out of a shared household whenever they choose, Reese said.

“The couple in the lavender marriage is expected to get through all the conflicts, discuss and compromise,” he said. “It’s a union with commitment, love, and loyalty, and all of these can be not romantic.”

Christine DeVore, a licensed clinical psychologist and the director of adult and couples services at Birch Psychology, told B-17 that a lavender marriage offers a practical solution to some of life’s burdens.

“It’s a way to ease financial stress while still being independent,” she said.

While somewhat tongue-in-cheek, Scott’s video on TikTok prompted other Gen Zers to share their thoughts. Some commenters said lavender marriages were “looking more appealing by the day” and that the agreement might be what they “really need.”

Several older viewers commented, saying they’d given lavender marriages a try and were happier than ever.

Lavender marriages can still be based on love, albeit not romantic or sexual.

Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and sexual-health expert who writes for the sex-positive magazine Passionerad, said there are many other benefits to a lavender marriage, including physical touch and comfort.

That could mean “cuddling in front of a TV show or when reading a book, sleeping together, and providing physical support and safety when needed.”

“Just as in every marriage, you feel safe with the person,” Roos added. “Even though no attraction is involved, you can gain much more from being physically close to your lavender married partner than being close to a friend or to a one-night stand.”

A deeper issue

It’s unclear exactly how many lavender marriages are taking place and to what extent the conversations on TikTok reflect a wider trend. But they do hint at more serious societal issues.

Dating is still big business. Dating companies generated more than $5 billion in 2023 alone. Match Group generated annual revenues of more than $3.4 billion, while Bumble had revenues of $1.1 billion last year.

But growth appears to be slowing. Match Group’s paying users fell by about 6% in the first quarter of the year. The company’s now valued at $9.51 billion, down from $50 billion in 2021. Meanwhile, Bumble’s value has fallen by roughly 90% since it went public in 2021. It is now worth about $822 million.

That may be because Gen Zers are turning away from dating apps, with some thinking the apps now miss the point of what made them fun in the first place: going after profits rather than real connections.

Others are tired of modern dating culture, with ghosting, catfishing, and some prospective partners not showing up to dates at all.

One creator, Cleopatra, 23, told B-17 that what’s appealing to her about a lavender marriage is the community aspect, where women can live without fear of being hurt or abused.

“I think the majority want change,” Cleopatra said. “This patriarchal lifestyle, these gender roles, are becoming exhausting, to say the least.”

“The dating pool is certainly full of shit,” she added.

She said the financial stability the arrangement could offer was also a plus, particularly since Zoomers typically have more debt and are paying more for housing than millennials did a decade ago.

A recent Washington Post analysis of Bureau of Labor Statistics data found that Gen Z is spending 31% more on housing costs compared to what millennials paid 10 years ago, a figure that also factors in inflation.

The Post’s analysis found that car-insurance costs increased more than twofold and health-insurance costs spiked 46% for Americans aged 16 to 24 between 2012 and 2022.

Rising costs have led some to consider “inflationships”: living in the same place and even sleeping in the same bed without having sex. Lavender marriages could just be furthering this trend.

Boundaries are important

For young people reconsidering how to approach relationships, a lavender marriage “can be a great replacement,” Reese said. People are more commonly discovering they are aromantic or asexual, he added, moving away from the notion that heterosexual sex and love is the cultural norm.

There are challenges, however. DeVore and Roos said emotional complexities can arise from such entanglements, adding that open communication about boundaries and feelings is vital for the arrangement to work.

The rules of a lavender marriage may be vague, meaning there could be the potential for conflict later. Partners may disagree on what is and isn’t allowed outside the relationship and have different ideas of what defines cheating.

Roos said that lavender marriages can have their own pitfalls, triggering jealousy and sadness if one partner starts feeling left out.

The arrangement also might not suit both people forever, such as if one decides to pursue a romantic relationship.

“What felt OK when talking things through before or at the beginning of the marriage might, therefore, later on not feel OK at all,” Roos said.

Challenges and conflicts can arise even in the most committed partnerships.

“While a lavender marriage may offer certain advantages, it does not guarantee a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment,” DeVore said.

“It’s important to remember that no relationship, including a lavender marriage, is immune to heartache,” she added.