I didn’t want to be the evil mother-in-law. I took time to get to know my sons’ wives as individuals, not just as their partners.

Being a mom to three boys meant that the wives they chose were the closest I would ever come to having daughters of my own. Lucky for me, they made excellent choices, but I wanted to make sure I did not mess it up.

Here’s how I successfully navigate my relationships with my daughters-in-law.

My mom had a great relationship with her mother-in-law

I was fortunate to have an excellent role model in my mom, who revered her own mother-in-law and often referred to her as a saint. She was as close to her as she was to her own mother.

My four sisters-in-law felt the same way about my mom. In the kitchen, they worked as a synchronized team: My mom never had to ask for help — they respected her and felt comfortable pitching in.

When my three sons each brought home “the one,” I knew I wanted the same type of relationship that my mom had with her daughters-in-law. Being the stereotypical evil mother-in-law was my worst nightmare.

I made time alone with them

The three girls already felt like part of the family when my eldest son got engaged. To bond the relationship before making it official, I gave each girl a spa certificate for Christmas. My intention was to have some alone time with them to establish a sisterhood, knowing women play a key role in holding families together.

Since then, we have developed a complicity within our testosterone-dominant family. Knowing the boys and their dad sometimes butt heads on some matters, I respectfully requested their aid in keeping the peace when conflicts arise. I openly expressed my desire to have a healthy relationship and asked for help in setting boundaries.

To this day, I try my best to be discreet and ensure that my questions show genuine interest rather than prying. I work to create a climate where it is safe to share and express opinions without fear of judgment.

I put effort into our relationship

In turn, I offered help and support rather than advice when planning their showers, socials (a thing in our neck of the woods), weddings, and baby showers. I put effort into choosing thoughtful gifts tailored to their individual needs and interests on special occasions. After giving birth to my grandsons, I prepared and delivered a week’s worth of complete home-made meals for them.

The girls have also expressed their appreciation to me for being supportive and not overstepping or being intrusive. They value the effort I put into nurturing the relationship between us and trust that I have their best interests at heart. About 10 years in, our relationship is still going strong. Despite our very busy lives, we make regular family gatherings and creating family traditions a priority.

I babysit my grandkids

I babysit the grandkids each Thursday to give the kids and parents a break from day care. We treasure our special day together, and at the end of their workday, their moms and dads join us for a homemade meal that I prepare during naptime. After supper, I quickly bathe and jammy up the kids while the parents visit and relax before going home all ready for bed.

With respect to parenting, I make sure to keep the lines of communication clear by checking with Mom without going through Dad. I show respect for everyone’s parenting style by asking questions, withholding judgment, and confirming with them whenever in doubt.

One of them told me that she appreciates my being open-minded to new parenting styles such as baby-led-weaning and keeping up to date on child development to help the kids be their best. I take the time to think about what they really need and simply offer help.

I appreciate each of my daughters-in-law as if they were my own girls. I strive to show recognition and appreciation for the vital role they play in our family. This has helped to create harmony and connection for us all.