My teen just got his driver’s license. I refuse to install a tracking app on his phone even though I’m scared for him.

The author’s son, not pictured, is a teen who just got his driver’s license. 

My son just got his driver’s license and loves his newfound freedom. Even though he’s going to the same places he always has — school, lunch, and errands — he’s much happier driving himself than having me do it.

His older brother was the same. It didn’t matter to either of my boys where they were going. It mattered that they could get there on their own — without their parents.

When my oldest got his driver’s license, I learned that some of his friends’ parents installed apps so they could track their kids, but I refused to follow suit.

I understand why people track their kids

Most people track their children for one of two reasons: to ensure their safety or to ensure they’re going where they said they were.

I understand both of those ideas. I’m a very anxious parent, and it doesn’t take long for me to imagine all kinds of awful situations my children could find themselves in.

It is, frankly, terrifying for me to let them go anywhere at all. Letting them pilot a 4,000-pound hunk of metal down a busy freeway? If I think about it too long, I’ll lock everyone inside the house with me forever.

But I’m certain a tracking app won’t solve my problem.

Tracking has only made my anxiety worse

This generation of kids and teens has grown up in a much more monitored world than I did. My parents got two or three report cards a year from me, while I can check my kids’ grades and get updates on their school behavior daily — sometimes hourly. I did that for a while. But I noticed that tracking them was affecting us all — not in a good way.

When I signed on to the apps and websites that monitored them, I began constantly checking for updates. A nice note from a teacher at 10 a.m. put me in a great mood. A negative update half an hour later sent me plummeting. I checked grades daily, interrogating kids about missing assignments or low scores.

Eventually, I had to back off, delete the apps from my phone, and work out a plan to check these sites less often with my kids. We were all much happier and less stressed after that. Surprisingly, behaviors and grades improved when the kids knew they weren’t going to be cross-examined about every little thing.

I can see myself getting equally attached to a tracking app. I’d watch my phone when my teen is in the car. I won’t relax until they’ve gotten to their destination. If they get stuck in traffic, I’ll assume they’re stopped because they’ve crashed. If they want to grab food while out, I’ll wonder why they’ve deviated from our agreed-upon route. I will worry, and I will assume the worst-case scenario every time.

Weirdly, it’s less stressful to send them off and tell them to call when they get there than to be able to monitor their every move in the car.

Giving kids some freedom is part of growing up

As for checking on where they’re going, so far, my kids haven’t given me any reason to think they’re lying about things. It doesn’t seem fair to start out by distrusting them.

Like building trust, teaching independence is something we start when our kids are small. We might let them walk ahead of us on the way to school, building up to letting them walk with friends and eventually alone. We start homework by sitting down with them to help and hopefully transitioning to them managing it independently.

I don’t think there’s a feeling quite like that freedom teens feel when they get their license. It’s good for them. It’s the next step in learning to be an adult. They don’t need me hovering over their shoulder, watching their every move.

I’m not saying I have no idea where my children are when they’re out driving. We discuss their plans. If my son is stopping for food after a school event, he texts to let me know. I call if he’s driving across town to ensure he arrives safely. But that extra step feels like we’re communicating and respecting each other, rather than me stealthily watching him on my phone.

It’s not easy for me to watch these teens, who seemed like tiny babies just yesterday, get behind the wheel of a car. But it’s one more way they’re growing up; I’m trying to grow up and let go as well.