My ex cheated on me with my roommate. I want her out, but her name is on the lease. How can I keep my apartment?

The reader is not pictured.

Dear For Love & Money,

My roommate used to be my best friend until she cheated with my now ex-boyfriend. I found out when she accidentally sent me a text meant for him while we were all watching TV together. We had a huge fight, and I dumped my ex on the spot.

A few days later, my ex and my roommate cornered me in our living room to have a “mature conversation” about how they were a couple now; they were sorry about how things went down but wanted to stay friends with me and go back to normal. Since then, my ex has been around constantly, and they act like nothing has changed besides which of us he’s dating.

The problem is that both of our names are on the lease agreement, and I want my roommate to be the one to move out. She took everything else; the last thing she should get is the apartment. I haven’t had a calm conversation with her about it, but during our fight, I did tell her to move out several times, and she acted like she didn’t even hear me.

I don’t want to see either of them ever again. Their attitude that nothing is wrong is adding insult to injury. I’m desperate. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Burned Bestie

Compare Today’s Banking Offers

Dear Burned,

You’ve survived a heartbreaking nightmare, and while I usually try to see all sides of a situation and offer nuanced advice based on the idea that everyone is probably a little right and a little wrong, frankly, those two sound like the absolute worst. Removing them from your life seems like a matter of urgency.

Before I dive into solutions, I want to talk about the difference between winning and getting what you need. Winning looks like withholding forgiveness and getting the last laugh. Getting what you need looks like sparing yourself further hurt — and starting to heal yourself — by moving past those who wronged you. Focusing on defeating your enemies extends their influence over you instead of liberating you from their cruelty. However, you will have to physically separate yourself from them to reach this place of healing.

My first suggestion may be the least effective, but you won’t know until you try — attempt having a calm, pragmatic conversation with your roommate about her finding a new place to live. I would focus mainly on all the reasons this will serve her. Point out that finding a new place will give her and your ex a fresh start, acknowledge that having her boyfriend’s ex around all the time must feel a bit strange and that both parties will benefit from a little (or a lot) of space.

This may feel manipulative and disingenuous, but remember that your goal is to get away from her, not to force her to acknowledge how poorly she’s behaving, which is what a more frank approach may turn into. If she refuses, and since she doesn’t seem to have a great sense of appropriate boundaries, she likely will, there is someone else you can appeal to.

Talk to your landlord. While your landlord can’t take her off the lease without her prior knowledge or consent, she may be more agreeable if the suggestion comes from someone besides her romantic rival. Getting your landlord involved may help defuse the financial tension your roommate might feel about breaking a lease.

Keep in mind if you stay and your roommate leaves, you’re the one who will have to pay for the full amount of rent every month until you can find a new roommate. You’ll also want to determine whether the changes in who lives in your home — and whose possessions are there — change your renters insurance needs. As unfair as it is, your dilemma will require a trade-off on one side or the other — buying your peace for several thousand dollars in increased rent or tolerating the stress until your lease is up.

This brings me to a third option. You can talk to your landlord about removing you from the lease and moving out yourself. You probably don’t need your roommate’s approval, but double-check your lease to be sure of this.

Yes, leaving her the apartment might feel like letting her win. She got the guy and the apartment and never paid for any of it. But think about it another way: She’s got an unfaithful boyfriend, she lost her best friend, and with you gone, she has to figure out how to pay your share of the rent. But even if she has oodles of money to cover it, your ex is her soulmate, and the apartment is the best housing situation of all time, her situation isn’t your focus right now.

As hard as it may be to see through the haze of betrayal, the quality of her life, good or bad, will not change the quality of yours. Focus on improving your life, not finding a way to ruin the lives of those who have hurt you. Regardless of your physical location, I’d encourage you to find ways to move on emotionally. Explore new hobbies that will allow you to meet new people and even new sides of yourself.

You called yourself “Burned Bestie,” and reading your letter, I couldn’t help thinking of the controlled burns farmers set in the Great Plains. To casual onlookers, these may appear like devastating losses, but in reality, they’re a form of renewal so the land can grow back better. You didn’t set this fire, but your losses were necessary, and you’re about to experience an epic comeback.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money