My son is in his first semester in college. I want to give him space, but I also miss talking to him every day.

The author (not pictured) is struggling with communicating with her college son.

Dropping my son off at college this fall was tough. Despite my best efforts, it was the most inelegant of farewells. I kept my sunglasses on, tried not to crumple completely, and waved goodbye as he set off for meetings on campus.

Then, I promptly found the nearest bench for a proper sob before catching the train back to the airport. Like I said, inelegant.

In the weeks since, I’ve adjusted fairly well to my empty nest. I’ve started redecorating my son’s bedroom and am generally getting used to not having him under our roof. It’s a transition, to be sure.

While his dad and I had a lot of talks with him in the lead-up to drop-off, one thing we didn’t discuss was communication. So, I’ve been plagued with one question in his absence: How much is too much when it comes to keeping tabs on your college kid? Here’s what I’ve learned.

I’m trying not to spam him

I didn’t hear from my son at all that first long weekend. There were zero calls, FaceTime chats, or even texts. I was tempted to reach out but realized my discomfort wasn’t worth spamming him.

I wanted my son to have fun, get used to his new college campus, hang out with his roommates, and not worry about how I was doing back home.

When he finally called me several days later, I was overjoyed. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was thriving and thrilled to be in his new home. I felt great, but once I hung up, I was uneasy and unsure when I’d hear from him again.

I put the ball in his court, so he’s reaching out first

Many of my friends set aside a specific day or two during the week for a family FaceTime or call with their college kids. They were far smarter than me.

Because we never really formalized a comms plan, I still find myself hesitating when it comes to contacting my son. Don’t get me wrong: When he calls, I immediately answer. When he sends a text, it often becomes an extended conversation. But almost always, he’s the one initiating.

He knows his dad and I are always here and available, but we want him to become independent. That means respecting his boundaries and putting the communication ball in his court.

It’s one of the hardest things to get used to as our relationship evolves, but it’s a necessary shift.

There are other ways to connect

While we no longer speak every day, I’ve kept in touch with my son in other ways. I’ll send occasional care packages or order an Instacart delivery to his dorm if he’s running short on snacks.

I had a blast attending his parent’s weekend a few weeks ago, especially when he showed me around his new campus. His father and I also dropped him the occasional card or letter via good old snail mail.

The bottom line is that he knows I’m thinking of him, even if we don’t connect daily.

I remind myself that it’s not personal

When I start feeling sad or overly nostalgic, I immediately snap back, knowing my kid is studying, writing, and growing into the person he’s meant to be. He’s busy, as he should be in his first year away.

I also remind myself about my own relationship with my parents; I certainly don’t check in with either of them every day. This doesn’t mean I don’t love them or vice versa. It means I’ve long been an actualized adult, no longer dependent on them.

That’s what he’s becoming, too. In his case, he’s made it clear he doesn’t need constant parental contact getting in the way. I understand that, and I know it’s not personal or meant to be hurtful. It’s all part of the normal transition process from child to adult, making me all the prouder of him.

Even if I wish he’d call me a bit more often.