As a personal trainer in my 20s, I ate as little as possible and over-exercised to stay lean. At 34, I’m fitter, healthier, and stronger — but much less strict.

Sohee Carpenter is a personal trainer based in California.

When I first got into exercise as a teenager, it was all about cardio. I did as much cardio and ate as little as possible.

Then in 2008, I started lifting weights alongside the cardio and I learned about protein and macronutrients. I was eating more, but I still wasn’t healthy because my approach was so rigid. I was a compulsive exerciser.

For so many years, my focus was being as lean as possible.

But now I know that health-promoting behaviors can be pursued independent of body changes, weight, and body composition.

My focus was on being small

Sohee Carpenter.

I started coaching clients in 2012 but I was rigid with my approach because that was all I’d been taught.

Even in college, I was trying to follow a strict meal plan, which made no sense: in my college dining hall, I couldn’t eat a perfectly measured portion of chicken breast, broccoli, and almonds. Sometimes I’d eat 13 hard-boiled egg whites for lunch because I didn’t know how else to track my macros.

I was very much of the mentality that the leaner you are, the healthier, happier, and better you are. The message I was pushing was super diet culture-heavy, as that was the norm for people who’d grown up in the ’80s and ’90s.

I was very, very fixated on being small and staying small.

As the years went on, I learned about flexible dieting and how I could hit my macros and still eat less nutritious food, but I wasn’t thinking about the quality of my diet. I never cared about my fiber intake, all that mattered was whether my body looked good.

I now prioritize health over aesthetics

In recent years, I’ve become more aware of problematic messaging in the fitness industry. For example, people saying obesity is a choice, a moral failing, the individual’s fault, or that it means you’re lazy and less disciplined.

The coaching methods I’d learned earlier in my career were tied to weight stigma, and I now realize that approach doesn’t help people in the long run.

Praising people for losing weight can seem harmless but it can perpetuate long-term problems like the irrational fear of regaining weight, which might encourage people to resort to unhealthy behaviors to maintain it.

If you’re engaging in unhealthy behaviors to lose weight, it’s not healthy.

Now, I don’t care what your body looks like. Regardless of how you look, everybody deserves to have equal, non-stigmatizing access to healthcare and health-promoting behaviors.

I aim for ‘body neutrality’

A lot of people label me as “body positive” but actually I’m not. However, I’m a big proponent of body neutrality.

It’s not about loving every part of your body, it’s more about being more neutral toward your body, not overly fixating on parts you do and don’t like. It’s about having your body be less of a focus of your life and take up less of your mental bandwidth, because I think that there are so many more interesting and important things that you could spend your energy on that are way more fulfilling.

Trying to love every part of your body is not only unrealistic, but it’s still spending mental energy on your body. I’m not trying to bash body positivity, but it’s not for me and it wasn’t created for someone like me.

I love seeing more body diversity in the fitness and health space, and I think there’s room for everyone to succeed regardless of how they look.

I strive for self-improvement

Carpenter lifts weights and runs.

I’m no longer focusing on changing how my body looks, but I still push myself hard and work out a lot.

I’ve always been a huge proponent of continual self-improvement across different avenues of life, but in fitness, I love the idea that I can continue getting fitter, faster, and stronger as I get older.

I’m 35 this December and feel much healthier than I did in my 20s.

I started running again 13 months ago and seeing myself getting faster is really cool. I’m incorporating mobility work into my training for the first time, and I appreciate the importance of quality time with my family and friends to my health.

I’m paying attention to my fiber intake and I’m so happy when I have loads of beans for dinner. I’m thinking about my sleep quality and quantity, all these things that were never a priority before. I now understand how they impact every aspect of life.

My motives for health-pursuing behaviors have matured. If you only ever care about aesthetics and that is your only motivation for eating and exercising in certain ways, that to me is a very shallow and one-dimensional view.

I’m grateful that I’ve learned what I have and can see a more multidimensional meaning behind what I’m doing.

I love the idea of working hard, challenging yourself, and holding yourself to a high standard, while giving yourself a break when you need to and not being so hard on yourself. That’s how I’m trying to live my life.