How to help kids navigate tracking apps, social media, sexting and more
‘Kids feel watched but not seen,’ writes columnist Heidi Stevens.
“Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World,” Devorah Heitner’s fantastic new book, begins with a clear-eyed message for those of us raising or shaping young people today.
Children believe they are being watched but not seen.
Heitner, a screen media expert and educator, has spoken with hundreds of children, parents, educators, and researchers about privacy, social media, tracking apps, sexting, and anything else that comes to mind. “Growing Up in Public” is a distillation of the key points she wants us to remember as we set the tone, tenor, and expectations in our own homes.
“Kids feel constantly surveilled,” Heitner explained. “It’s as if their parents are looking for them. Their school is on the lookout for them. Their peers are out to catch them and toss them under the bus. They feel watched but not necessarily seen or understood in the entirety of who they are.”
We can track their GPAs, but that doesn’t tell us anything about what subjects they enjoy, dislike, or feel lost in. We can see where they are, but that doesn’t tell us anything about how they felt at that party, dinner, or practice. We can see what they’re doing, but we don’t know why, with whom, or how it feels.
“Too much data can be stressful for parents,” she says. “It’s also odd that there’s no data.”
Readers will bring their own lenses and values to Heitner’s work, as well as knowledge of their children’s unique personalities, challenges, and habits. The book respects that and is not overly prescriptive. But it does invite us to question the messages we’re sending our children, whether overtly or subtly, and whether those messages are serving our larger goal of raising happy, healthy, resilient children.
Here are a few highlights:
Small privacy vs. big privacy
When their parents read their texts or post about their private moments on Facebook, their children realize their privacy has been violated. However, “big privacy” frequently escapes their attention.
“Do they realize YouTube’s algorithm tracks search terms, clicks, and time spent watching?” Heitner is a writer. “And that it uses information to populate a preferences profile in order to generate a set of tailored suggestions for the next video?” And that it’s intended to keep people on the platform at all costs so that YouTube can continue to serve them ads?”
She believes that both types of privacy require frequent, layered conversations with our children.
“We need to talk to kids about algorithms and how clicking on fitness content can lead to them being fed toxic diet content, or how interacting with edgy humor can lead to them being fed something misogynistic or racist,” she said. “We need to be mindful of what we’re telling algorithms we want.”
Stop using college as a Boogeyman
Colleges aren’t following your children on social media. Sure, there are exceptions for the occasional student. However, telling your child that posting a photo in a midriff-baring shirt will harm her chances of admission to Princeton is a ruse.
Deal honestly with your child, Heitner advises, with a focus on assisting them in making moral decisions.
“A college is unlikely to do a deep dive to figure out what’s on your Snapchat,” she explained. “But someone in your friend group is, and that’s going to reflect on who you are, how you treat people, and what your reputation is right now.”
The threat of being apprehended by authorities should not be the primary focus. The opportunity to conduct yourself in a way that benefits you should be available.
“We really want to emphasize the importance of doing no harm,” Heitner said. “Not because your principal might discover it.” We don’t want what we post, say, or do to cause harm to ourselves or others.”
The sexting conversation is actually a consent conversation
Heitner devotes a chapter to sexting, which is eye-opening and important—why kids do it, how many kids are likely to do it, and why our discomfort with it isn’t particularly useful.
“Instead of simply fearing sexting,” writes Heitner, “we must actively teach and mentor our children on consent, flirting, relationships, and negotiating boundaries.” We are mentoring them to make safer and more ethical choices that honor themselves and others by emphasizing the importance of tuning into their own feelings.”
Don’t start the sexting discussion with legal threats. (“They all know kids who sent a naked picture and weren’t arrested,” Heitner explained.) Do begin by emphasizing the significance of enthusiastic consent and why we never harass, cajole, or beg our way into someone’s heart or body—and why it’s never the way into ours.
In short, Heitner’s job is to help our children develop a finely tuned conscience and become accustomed to turning to it for guidance—both in person and online.
“We need to build in more respect for kids’ privacy, help them focus on grappling with their identities away from the public eye, and allow them to be comfortable with the complexity of their reputations,” she writes. “After all, they are not brands, they are our children, and they are human beings.”
