I struggled as a new mom. Snapchat filters masked my pain and helped me bond with my baby.

The author struggled as a new mom.

I’ve snapped photos with my firstborn son since he was born in 2017, but unlike my parents before me, many of the pictures I took were silly selfies with Snapchat filters.

Back then, this was a popular method of communication — so, no, I don’t regret it at all. These Snapchats helped me get through a challenging and lonely time in my postpartum days.

I struggled as a new mom

Motherhood was difficult for me at first. I experienced postpartum anxiety, which was not officially diagnosed or treated until years later. On top of this, my firstborn son was a difficult baby, crying nonstop for hours, refusing to latch, and keeping us up all night, every night, for months.

As I worked hard to keep my baby happy, I also struggled to keep myself happy — battling terrifying intrusive thoughts, irrational anger, and overwhelming anxiety that kept me awake even during the rare times of quiet. When my husband went back to work, my feelings intensified. The minutes stretched out impossibly before me as I felt desperately alone and overwhelmed taking care of my newborn baby.

Snapchat filters helped me when I felt lonely

In those moments of loneliness, I would find comfort in taking photos, using cute and ridiculous filters, and then sending them to friends and family. It was an easy way to find little moments of connection. Plus, getting responses from my friends helped me feel included in their lives, even when I was stuck at home. Especially because it was hard for me to reach out to loved ones or even know how to ask for help. Sending Snapchats was the easy icebreaker I needed.

In those moments of loneliness, I would find comfort in taking photos, using cute and ridiculous filters, and then sending them to friends and family. It was an easy way to find little moments of connection. Plus, getting responses from my friends helped me feel included in their lives, even when I was stuck at home. Especially because it was hard for me to reach out to loved ones or even know how to ask for help. Sending Snapchats was the easy icebreaker I needed.

I don’t regret using filters

Eventually, my baby started sleeping through the night, eating solid foods, and adapting to a schedule. I returned to work, and the intrusive thoughts came less frequently. Taking goofy photos became something fun and lighthearted rather than a lifeline.

My son still loves taking pictures on Snapchat and looking back at the cute faces he made as a baby. He doesn’t know we did that when I was on the edge of despair and struggling to make it through the day without crying. He just sees his mom smiling and having fun with her new baby, and he absolutely loves it.

Pulling up Snapchat photos to reminisce on the past isn’t exactly the same as going through an old photo album — but it’s not that different either. And even though I have plenty of traditional photos of my baby, I don’t regret taking so many with filters. It reminds me of a challenging, exhausting, and ultimately beautiful time in my life and motherhood journey. For that, I’m forever grateful for digital dog ears.