I think my family is lying about the money in my trust after my dad died. How do I get them to give me the truth?

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Dear For Love & Money,

My parents have a living revocable trust, and my father died two years ago. My brother and I are the beneficiaries of their estate, and my brother is the conservator.

I have requested to see the trust verbally and by sending my brother a letter of demand. The response, when I have been given one, has always been “No.”

For many reasons, I am concerned that what I am being told is in the trust and what is actually in the trust is not consistent. My mother isn’t being forthright, and there is no transparency.

I simply want to know, as my brother does, the truth about the trust’s content. Is my only recourse filing a motion to compel with the court?

Sincerely,

Doubting

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Dear Doubting,

To start with your final question: Is a court filing your only option? Legally, the answer is yes. So far, your family has signaled that they will require compulsion from an outside authority. If you’re pushed to it, hire an attorney who specializes in estate planning to help you navigate the process. Things will likely go your way, as it is a conservator’s legal and ethical duty to communicate with the beneficiaries of the estate they’ve been put in charge of administering.

An expectation of transparency is the bare minimum, and if your family decides to make your request as dramatic as forcing you to take legal action, it’s a shame. If it comes to this, however, remember this was their decision, not yours.

I could speculate all day over what specific information is being kept from you, and your doubt about whether you’re being told the truth over the content of the trust tells me you likely have theories of your own, but this isn’t the mystery that needs solving. It’s the fact that this has turned into a mystery at all that must be addressed.

You don’t say exactly where your mother comes into things — whether your brother is siding with her, or if he is merely uncertain how to fulfill his role as a conservator since your mother is refusing to cooperate. You said you sent your brother the letter of demand, but it was your mother who isn’t being forthright. Depending on who specifically is telling you “no,” I have a few different suggestions for attempting to clear things up without going to court.

If your brother is actively involved in the problem, you can try talking to him and your mother. Explain your concerns, and offer them grace if there is something they’re particularly stressed about you discovering. Try connecting with them beyond the estate’s concerns and reminding them of the comfort and belonging that comes with a loving, harmonious family.

Your brother might be like my dad when it comes to conflict. He is an incredibly conflict-avoidant person, and he will put up with a lot of deprivation and abuse in exchange for peace. However, if someone he loves is paying for that peace, he always digs deep and fights the fight for them that he’s rarely willing to put up for himself. Many people are like my dad — happy to sacrifice just about anything to avoid a fuss — but only if it’s their sacrifice alone.

It’s worth explaining to your brother how this situation affects you if you need your mother’s cooperation as well. Communicate your needs and concerns with vulnerability and honesty so your brother understands that his choice affects you too.

If your brother understands how you feel but is also concerned about your mother’s forthrightness, try working together. This will mean going beyond long venting sessions on the phone. Instead, come up with a strategy. Split legal bills, support him as the conservator, and talk to your mother as a united front. Having someone to share the burden of this with will, if nothing else, bring you closer to your brother and make something good out of an otherwise terrible situation.

With or without your brother, though, I’d encourage you to spend some time thinking through the worst possible reasons your family may be hiding the details of the estate. Then, ask yourself how you might respond to those scenarios and what you’re willing to forgive. If you can, try to reassure your family that you will respond to whatever dark secrets they are holding with grace and understanding.

There’s a good chance that behind the blustering obfuscation, there is a lot of fear. If you can love your family despite any financial failings, telling them so may give them the confidence they need to tell you the truth, no matter how ugly it may be. Not to mention, it will save you a lot of money in legal fees.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money