I used to trauma dump on my dates because alcohol made me lose control of my emotions. Sobriety saved my dating life.
The author, not pictured, trauma dumped on his dates.
The only secrets I ever kept were the ones I forgot. I used to struggle to stop my mouth from outrunning my brain, spilling my life story and everything that kept me up at night — especially when it came to trauma dumping on dates.
While many people applaud vulnerability as bravery, my openness felt like it hijacked the conversation. Unsuspecting dates might’ve wanted to get to know me, only to end up fleeing from my Godzilla-sized feelings or trying to quiet me down with sex.
It always started off promising. Who doesn’t appreciate someone refreshingly candid on a first date? But somewhere around the fourth cocktail, my hopes and dreams would shift into my dooms and fears.
It took me some time to realize excessive drinking was the stimulant behind my emotional babbling.
Drinking made me lose control of my emotions on dates
A couple of years ago in Miami, I unknowingly reconnected with a guy I’d slept with four years earlier in New York. After exchanging nudes on Grindr, we suddenly found ourselves in a déjà vu moment, strolling along the beach with an unexpected history.
Instead of using the coincidence to spark a connection, I countered his offer for a shot with three.
From there, I tried opening up to him: I spilled about my complicated relationship with my friend, who started to have a stalker-like crush on me.
What should’ve been the perfect setup for chemistry and lighthearted banter spiraled into a rabbit hole about my estranged friend and how much I missed her. Naturally, this guy had no idea who my friend was or what the heck I was talking about.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” my date said — though it felt more like he was sorry to hear me.
I didn’t know how I ended up there — or how to get my tongue to retreat. I woke up the next day wondering where I could find a priest to perform an exorcism on my mouth instead of just considering dating sober.
I blamed trauma dumping on my personality rather than my excessive drinking
It felt embarrassing to present myself as a dumpster of emotional turmoil, especially as a writer. I should’ve had better control over my words.
But I just figured I lacked self-control. I never knew when my babbling would bubble up to the surface. I’d always catch myself mid-story — whether I was telling someone who lost their ex in a fire about grieving my toxic ex because he “changed” or lamenting about turning 30 while someone I was sleeping with celebrated their 34th birthday.
Drinking had a knack for dissolving my usual coolness (the trait that helped me attract so many romantic interests) and stripping away my ability to read a room until the cringe was suffocating.
Last year, my drunk trauma dumping reached a pathetic climax when I began pouring my heart out about being an alcoholic. Imagine being on a date with someone binge-drinking while they complain about how badly they want to quit and all the ways alcohol has negatively impacted their life. Yup, that was me; I felt unhinged!
I finally decided to get sober, but it wasn’t easy. Alcohol didn’t just feel ingrained in society; it felt woven into who I was as a person. At least, that’s what I thought.
My sobriety reinvigorated my dating life
Once I finally quit drinking, I was pleased to discover that some negative traits I thought defined me weren’t actually mine at all.
I am an anxious person with a hamster wheel of intrusive thoughts about every aspect of my life. I’ve always been good at problem-solving because I’ve already lived through every potential problem multiple times in my head.
But I don’t lack self-control; I was merely trading it for a buzz.
I recently FaceTimed that guy from the beach in Miami while I was alone in a pool at 3 a.m. We ended up chatting for hours. Even from thousands of miles away, it felt more intimate than the few face-to-face dates we had while I was drinking.
My sobriety ensured it was always me showing up for the occasion.
