I was pregnant and stressed about being a single mom. Then, a friend changed my perspective, and we ended up co-parenting together.

I was worried about single motherhood until a conversation with another single mom changed my perspective. 

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Monique Doughty, a registered nurse, influencer, and wellness teacher. It has been edited for length and clarity.

Before moving to Costa Rica in 2021, I was based in Los Angeles. I lived in Hollywood Hills, was fully debt-free, and purchased a brand-new BMW. In many ways, I felt like I’d “made it” there, but I wasn’t happy.

I love physical affection, whether that’s a hug or snuggling, and the pandemic was tough for me. By 2021, I was done being in the heart of LA during a pandemic alone with no family or partner.

I decided to take a quick trip to Costa Rica and ended up moving

A friend of mine was already living in Costa Rica at the time. We would FaceTime often, and one day, he said, “Just come out here for a few days.”

When my friend was driving me to the airport to head to Costa Rica, she asked if I thought there was something deeper between us. I said I was open to it, but things had always been platonic in our three years of friendship.

When we were in Costa Rica together, it was the first time we were single at the same time. It may sound corny, but I remember the first time we hugged each other. It felt like there was a spark and clear connection.

When our friendship turned romantic, we tried to have a baby

I arrived in Costa Rica in January 2021, thinking I would be there for a few days. But after hearing about the capital being stormed on January 6, I felt like the entire US was in chaos. I wanted to stay put for a while.

At the same time, our romantic relationship was progressing fast, and we decided to try to have a baby. At 32, I was ready to become a mom. We were successful pretty quickly. By February, I was pregnant. We planned my son and really wanted him. What followed with the relationship between my child’s father and me was not expected, though.

When I was pregnant, and even while we were still friends, I sometimes felt as though he was exhibiting controlling behavior that I didn’t like in a partner. We argued often and had a particularly huge fight just three months in that prompted me to end the relationship.

I was devastated, but I didn’t want to leave Costa Rica. Despite what I was going through, I felt like my life was more peaceful there than in the US, and I had built a strong community of friends.

A friend shifted my perspective on single motherhood

A few days later, I found myself on Playa Punta Uva beach sobbing and ran into my friend Helen from the UK. I met Helen a few weeks earlier through a mutual friend who knew we were both pregnant and single and felt we could be good friends. We got along, but it wasn’t until our second meeting at the beach that we really hit it off.

When I ran into her on the beach, she asked, “How are things?” I told her about my relationship with my child’s father.

She said, “Oh, darling. You need to pull it together because your baby is feeling all that.” She reminded me that I needed to focus on my health, to have a healthy pregnancy. I’d heard it before, but hearing it from her on the beach was the first time it landed for me because she was also having a similar experience. It also sparked the beginning of our very close friendship.

We were only six weeks apart, and she was also away from family, pregnant, doing it on her own, yet was beautiful and radiant. After that, we really supported each other during our pregnancies. We went to buy comfortable mattresses together, shopped for health insurance in Costa Rica, and even spent Mother’s Day together.

After I had my baby, Helen and I co-parented together in Costa Rica. We were in a small town called Puerto Viejo de Talamanca. Anytime we had visitors from the States or the UK, they’d bring all the clothes, toys, particular brands of peanut butter, and other things that were hard to access there.

My relationship with my son’s father is still distant now, as we often found ourselves running into the same problems whenever we tried to co-parent. However, I want my son to spend some time with his dad. We’re planning to visit him in Costa Rica this March.

I returned to the US and remembered what I learned in Costa Rica

I returned to the US in February of 2023 and moved to Philly, where I’m from. As a Black woman, I felt a lot of societal pressure to choose a partner quickly so my son could have a father figure. I did not want to fall into the stereotype of a Black mom to a son without a present father. I found myself in an ultimately toxic relationship, trying to fill a gap that was not there.

I returned to what Helen showed me was possible on the beach in Costa Rica. My mindset shifted to understanding that if I rush to pick the wrong partner, it impacts how I will show up as a mom to my son. I’m on a journey of de-centering men and focusing on my relationship with my child and myself. Many women feel robbed of their motherhood experience because they’re single moms, and I really want to change that narrative. Single motherhood can still be joyous and fun.