I’m a working mom whose 12-hour shifts make me miss my kids’ lives. I feel I’m letting my family down but I love my work.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kimberly Hicks, a 39-year-old registered nurse from Northern California. It’s been edited for length and clarity.

I’ve been a registered nurse for 14 years. My spouse, who also works full time, and I have three boys, ages 10, 7, and 2.

My schedule varies from week to week. I work one or two 12-hour shifts at the hospital a week, depending on the needs of my unit. My shifts are currently from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. I’m also an educator within my hospital, so I spend several days a week teaching patients in an outpatient setting.

​​Working 12-hour shifts is challenging and is largely strenuous physical, mental, and emotional work. I go to work before my kids wake up and come home as they’re crawling into bed. I feel guilty that my job completely removes me from my kids’ lives for full days at a time. I hate missing their entire day.

I’m also building my own business — a nurse-focused nutritional supplement brand, Replenishift —which I work on at around 5:30 or 6 a.m. on my days off before my kids wake up, in the afternoons while the baby naps, and after the kids go to bed.

I leave before my kids wake up and only see them when they’re going to bed, if at all

I wake up at 5:30 a.m., get myself ready for work, and head out so I can be at the hospital by 7 a.m. My kids wake up around the time I start work, so I don’t see them in the morning.

On the days that I work 12-hour shifts, my two older boys go to school and then attend an afterschool program until their dad can pick them up. My youngest son, who will start preschool later in the year, is either watched by my mother-in-law or by a coworker or coworker’s college-age children.

I rarely hear about my kids during the day. Sometimes I’ll get a text or a picture of my youngest from whoever is watching him but for the most part, I don’t know what’s going on. As a nurse, I’m so invested in what’s happening with my patients for the day that I’m completely immersed in their lives and step away from mine.

I typically get home between 7:30 and 8 p.m. — and sometimes later on particularly difficult days.

On the days I work, I don’t see my youngest son at all. By the time I get home, he’s already asleep. My two older sons are usually brushing their teeth and about to get in bed.

After I get out of my scrubs and shower, we snuggle a little in my bed and they tell me all about their day. I’m usually so tired physically, mentally, and emotionally that I have a hard time retaining the information they tell me, which makes me feel guilty.

It’s usually very difficult to separate them from me and get them to bed, which I feel bad about because I know they’re just happy to see me for the first time that day.

The mom guilt I feel is at an all-time high with my schedule

On my day off following a 12-hour shift, when I’m recovering physically and emotionally from the day before, I get the emotional aftermath from my toddler. He’s typically both happy and upset when he sees me — happy I’m there, but mad when he realizes I wasn’t there the day prior.

He then becomes completely attached to my body for the next eight hours. He won’t let anyone else do anything for him, he won’t let me out of his sight, and we become one. I’m easily overstimulated by touch and when I start to be overstimulated, I begin to feel overwhelmed.

I feel guilty for feeling annoyed. I know that it’s something that he needs, so I hold and love him for as long as he wants to reconnect with him and let him know I’ll always be here for him.

The long hours are worth it because my work is important to me

I overcome mom guilt by being fully present when I’m with my kids. This is helpful for both me and my children.

My kids never intentionally try to make me feel guilty. When I tell them that I have to work at the hospital the next day, they’ll often become upset and cry or express frustration. I always try to validate their feelings and help them understand why they feel that way, and I also explain why I go to work.

Many of the other nurses I work with also have feelings of guilt for not being home for 12 hours. Some people may just say, ‘Well, why don’t you look for a traditional job so you can work a more set schedule, like in a doctor’s office, where you can be home every day at 5 p.m. and have weekends and holidays off?’

But I really care about the population I serve at my hospital and the work I do is so important to me; it’s what fuels my soul as much as my family does. The long hours are worth it and I wouldn’t change it at this point in my life.