I’ve dated tech bros in San Francisco and New York. The men in one city made me never want to move back.

Chloe Diaz says the tech bros she’s dated in SF and NYC have been different, even down to the way they dress.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Chloe Diaz, a 27-year-old working in legal tech in New York City. It’s been edited for length and clarity.

I lived in San Francisco the summer after my first year of law school for a tech-law internship. Shortly after graduating from Arizona State University law school in 2022, I moved to New York City, where I currently work as a marketing manager in legal tech.

I’ve dated tech bros in San Francisco and New York City and have found that each city attracts completely different types of men. Neither type is without faults, but my dating experiences in these cities have ultimately impacted where I decided to live.

I found San Francisco tech bros to lack consideration

As an introvert, I prefer meeting people on dating apps because it allows me to get a read on someone before meeting them. This worked well in San Francisco because it never felt like the type of place where a guy would strike up a conversation with me in public.

I went on at least two dates a week for an estimated 20 to 24 dates during my summer in SF. I wasn’t looking to date tech bros; it just so happened every man I went on a date with in San Francisco was. I honestly found it hard to escape the Silicon Valley tech bubble.

The recurring pattern I noticed from the tech bros I dated was a general lack of consideration for me. On several occasions, the man would choose a date based on his interest without taking a moment to learn what I enjoy.

The type of men I dated in San Francisco discouraged me from moving back

This one guy I matched with on Bumble invited me to an arcade bar. I expressed to him that I didn’t drink but figured the location would be OK because I could still play some games. He showed up about 30 minutes late due to being held up at a work meeting and proceeded to buy us two vodka shots.

Then he launched into talking about his machine-learning job at a Big Tech company and monopolized the conversation without stopping to ask me about myself or, at the very least, what I thought about what he was saying. It’s funny because if he had stopped and asked me a question, he would’ve learned my emphasis in law school was science and technology, specifically AI. All of the concepts he was breaking down were things I had a pretty good grasp of.

At the end of our very one-sided conversation, in which I felt it was clear I was uninterested, he tried to make a move on me. I told him I wasn’t feeling it and decided to head home. He was so upset that he proceeded to block me on all social-media platforms, including Spotify.

This wasn’t even one of the worst dates I went on in San Francisco, but it represents the lack of consideration and awareness I felt during many of my dates. My not-so-great dating experiences contributed to my decision not to move back to San Francisco after law school.

Tech bubbles exist in San Francisco and New York

Most San Francisco tech bros I met would be dressed in their Patagonia vests and work uniforms like a copy and paste of one another. Even in terms of lived experiences and socioeconomic status, I felt like I was in a bubble of middle-to-upper-class tech workers who weren’t exposed to people who had endured different struggles.

When I moved to New York, I realized tech bubbles existed here too, but because it’s such a diverse metropolitan hub, you’re forced to face the reality that people have different backgrounds, experiences, and struggles than you.

I think that awareness fosters a sense of empathy and understanding of others, which is a quality I appreciate in others.

New York also promotes individuality and self-expression, which I even noticed among tech bros. I’d go on dates with tech bros wearing Mason Margiela or some cool designer and think to myself, dang, this guy’s more dripped-out than me.

They’re still fundamentally tech bros, but I feel like the ones drawn to New York City aren’t so homogenous.

Dating in New York City is a double-edged sword

Given New York City’s bustling and social nature, I feel like it attracts people with strong social drive and awareness. I think this is why I’ve found the men I’ve dated here, several of whom have been tech bros, to be more considerate and thoughtful when planning dates.

I honestly haven’t had any truly bad dates in New York because the men have taken the time to find a shared interest and plan a date around that.

This one tech guy noticed I ran a food blog and planned some lovely dates surrounding interesting culinary experiences. On our first date, we went to a new restaurant, and on our next date, he cooked me a dish I’d never tried before.

He was socially adept and emotionally intelligent, which are great qualities, but ultimately I felt like he used them to manipulate me emotionally and push my physical and emotional boundaries. I ended our relationship.

Dating here is a double-edged sword, but I’d choose to date in New York over San Francisco any day.

My biggest takeaway is to be up-front about what I want

While very different, my dating experiences in San Francisco and New York taught me the importance of being resolute in my expectations and boundaries. Whether that’s straight-up telling my date that meeting at a bar doesn’t align with me or standing strong in my boundaries when feeling emotionally manipulated.

I’m continuing to date in New York City, and I don’t think I’ll ever move back to San Francisco.