My 12-year-old feels left out without a smartphone and wrote an essay asking for one. We still said no.

The author and her husband decided against getting a smartphone for their son (not pictured).

My 12-year-old feels left out at school because he’s not in a group chat with his classmates. He says he’s one of the only kids in his class without a phone or smartwatch. At first, I was surprised, but Common Sense Media reported that 71% of 12-year-olds had their own smartphone as of 2021.

I don’t want my son to feel left out. However, he already owns a Nintendo Switch, a Kindle, and an iPad. Even with strict screen usage limits, his access to the digital world feels robust enough for his age.

At the kitchen table a few nights ago, my son wrote a persuasive essay about why he should be permitted a smartwatch or a phone. It was well-researched, including this zinger: “I only need to use it when I go out with friends, so you don’t worry about me. I can leave it on the charger when I’m at home.”

It sounds innocent enough — a tool that will keep him in contact with us when he isn’t home. However, I doubt the device will live on the charger. I’ve heard from other parents whose preteens are in the school group chat, that the messages come in fast succession and often at odd hours. With access, my son will likely obsess over the influx of messages, making his emotional attachments to friends even more complex.

I worry about the consequences of getting him a phone

For preteens, a phone or other tech device often has more consequences than only staying connected, Dr. Kyra Bobinet, a physician and behavioral expert, told B-17. Because the prefrontal cortex, which manages impulse control and decision-making, is still developing, “introducing phones too early may overwhelm a preteen with constant notifications and endless online options, making it harder for them to self-regulate,” she said. These distractions can make it hard for them to form boundaries around screens.

Our preteen already melts down when his timer rings to turn off his devices, and he sometimes attempts to sneak more screen time. In my experience, he lacks the impulse control and self-constraint for a cellphone or smartwatch.

Dr. Zishan Khan, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist, said that because preteens (children between ages 9 and 12) are in critical stages of emotional and cognitive development, devices can expose them to adult content, peer pressure, and social media dynamics they aren’t ready for.

Excessive screen time can impair their ability to focus. He added that it can also contribute to sleep disruption and interfere with their development of healthy coping strategies and positive social skills. Khan also said that preteen phone usage comes with other risks, such as cyberbullying and privacy and safety concerns.

“They may not fully understand the implications of oversharing on the internet, whether through text, photos, or geolocation features,” he said. “It never ceases to amaze me how many times a very intelligent, well-meaning, and genuinely innocent child is coerced into doing things totally out of character, even being convinced to share inappropriate pictures.

My preteen is more tech-savvy than I am. Even if we give him a phone with boundaries, it’s possible he’d outsmart our restrictions.

While we decided against it, we’re keeping open communication about the issue

My husband and I took a few simple steps immediately following our son’s request. We communicated with our son why we don’t feel he’s ready for a phone or smartwatch, including a conversation about his current behavior patterns.

We told him that we don’t know when he’ll get a device, and we also assured him that when we do get him a phone or smartwatch, we’ll need to enforce healthy boundaries and restrictions. In the meantime, we offered him a compromise. He can use our phones to text friends until the time comes to get him his own device. We also promised to schedule intentional time with friends outside school so he doesn’t feel as left out.

Although my preteen isn’t happy with the decision, my husband and I strive for open, honest dialogue at home. I hope this will create bridges in our relationship instead of building walls because, like all well-meaning parents, we want to enter the teenage years with a strong relationship.