My biggest parenting mistake was making my kids the center of my world. Women need an identity beyond ‘mom.’

The author, not pictured, devoted her life to her kids.

As a single mother who raised five children, new parents sometimes come to me for advice. First, I usually tell them to enjoy every moment because children grow up quickly. Second, I advise them, especially mothers, not to make their children the center of their world.

That second piece of advice is something I wish I had known early on. I was in the full-time mothering game for an extraordinarily long time, being the sole parent to my five kids for over 30 years.

While I worked throughout all of my children’s early years, my profession was not the main focus of my life — my four boys and one girl were. I did not attend conferences, professional development, workplace gatherings, or even social events because I wanted to be home with my kids. I didn’t want to miss a second of their childhoods.

But now they are all grown up and successful adults. Where has that left me? I’m mid-rung on the professional ladder and alone at home. I wish I had focused on myself as an individual more.

I prioritized my kids over my career

Balancing career and family is the greatest challenge parents face. I know it can feel overwhelming to maintain a flourishing career and care for children at the same time.

When young moms ask me how I raised five kids, I tell them I wasn’t working full-time at the same time. While they were growing up, I worked a very limited number of hours each day, most of them long after they’d gone to sleep.

It was difficult to stay on top of my children’s schedules while meeting work deadlines, especially because my kids always came first. I still remember sitting on the floor at the dentist’s office with my laptop open, working as they got their teeth cleaned.

I considered motherhood my full-time job. It required all my energy, focus, and time. But I wish I knew it was a short-term career. For most of us, after 18 years, we’ve worked ourselves out of a job, and then what? That’s the question I keep asking myself.

I’ve even struggled to maintain a social life

I spent decades carting my kids back and forth to playdates, which meant I didn’t have time for my own social life — or at least, I didn’t make time for it.

Even when I was married, my husband and I rarely went on date nights. My social circle of women friends was other moms who met for coffee after school drop-off. We never went out on weekends just to have fun.

I’ll never forget the evening I left my middle-school-aged son home alone so I could attend an event. I promised I’d be home by 10 p.m. At 10:01, he called to ask where I was. In another incident, I went to a bridal shower and had 11 missed calls when I retrieved my phone from my coat pocket as I left the venue.

I love being their mother, but I’m wondering who I am now

After years of sacrifice, the day comes when all kids pack up their stuff and walk out your front door — and that’s it. After investing my entire being into raising my children, they are out of the house and living their own lives.

Part of me is so glad I got to spend so much time with my kids. I honestly believe they benefited from having me at home with them. My children are amazing, successful adults, and I think I did a pretty good job raising them.

Another part of me wishes I had carved out some time to prioritize myself so that I understood who I was beyond the “mom” label.

As my children grow and mature, I’m now working on figuring out who I am without them.

Luckily, women have more opportunities now than during the decades when my children were young. Moms can find creative ways to maintain a satisfying career and nurture friendships while raising kids, or they can take a career pause and focus on the family.

Either way, it’s all exhausting, and there’s no simple answer. But I want all mothers to remember that there will be life after your kids leave. What do you want that life to look like?