My first C-section made me feel like I wasn’t made to be a mother. My fourth one reminded me that C-sections can be beautiful.

The author had her 4 children via C-sections and says the last one was the easiest.

It was 10 o’clock on Halloween night, and I’d been pushing for over two hours. My midwife was squatting at the base of the hospital bed while my doula stood next to me, her hand wrapped around mine.

Once the obstetrician assessed the situation, I knew what she’d say before she said it: “We need to go to a C-section.”

I gasped for air, my chest quivering with fear of what was to come. I never expected to have a C-section. I was certain I’d have a vaginal birth with no epidural. But as parenthood would quickly teach me, so much is outside my control.

I tried for a VBAC with my second but ended up in a C-section again. My third and fourth babies were scheduled Cesareans. What I didn’t expect was for my fourth C-section to be my best birth experience.

I knew what to expect and how to create a calmer experience

My husband and I enrolled in the standard birth classes at the hospital before our first child. The instruction focused on vaginal births, telling us about the best labor positions and how a partner can offer support.

But there was little talk about C-sections and how to prepare for them mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Cesareans are often a second — or last — choice, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn how to handle them. They can happen to anyone. Over 30% of births in the United States are via C-section, and many times is a life-saving procedure for mom or baby.

Heading into my fourth Cesarean, I knew I needed to take more ownership of my experience. I asked for my head to be slightly elevated on the table so I didn’t feel so stranded on my back. I chose a clear surgical drape instead of a blue one so I could see my baby as soon as he came out. We told the delivery team that we wanted my husband to announce the sex of the baby, and I requested skin-to-skin as soon as possible.

The little tweaks made a big difference in how calm and comfortable I was.

I went to therapy to work through the PTSD of my earlier births

As soon as I arrived in the operating room for my third C-section, my heart rate skyrocketed. My breath quickened. Tears pooled in my eyes. Because it was scheduled with no surprises or emergent risks, I realized it must be the memories of my past C-sections triggering a strong physical and emotional reaction.

My therapist agreed.

Leading up to my fourth C-section, she and I dedicated a couple of sessions to processing the trauma from my earlier births so they’d have less of a hold on me going into the OR again.

My therapist used a modality called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or EMDR. We revisited and reprocessed the memories of my earlier C-sections to reduce their level of disturbance in my mind and body. The trauma — from the pure shock of the first one to the severe bladder repair during my second — became more distant and less potent.

My therapist also taught me techniques for how to stay present in my body during the surgery, such as describing objects in the room out loud, stating the birthdates of my husband and children, and noticing my breath. All of these tactics helped me stay present for number four instead of allowing my body to hijack me into the past.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” my husband remarked. “You’re so calm, and you’re smiling.”

I stayed more alert throughout the entire surgery, chatting with the physician and delivery team. When my son was born, I saw him clearly and with joy. I didn’t miss a thing.

I was able to choose a great surgeon with an incredible bedside manner

Because I got to schedule my C-section, I had the choice between a handful of doctors. I spoke with patients with my same OB/GYN group and asked who they recommend. I also knew a couple of labor and delivery nurses through friends and family and asked their opinions. I scheduled my prenatal appointments with a few physicians to get a sense of who to choose.

In the end, I opted for a female physician who was experienced, personable, and focused on providing a calm experience. She made me feel at ease and helped take my mind off of the surgery. She expressed pure joy when my baby was born, adding to the excitement my husband and I shared.

I fully accepted that a C-section is a beautiful, powerful way to have a baby

I felt a mix of sadness, shame, and guilt after my first C-section. I felt that somehow I was less of a mother or that I was never meant to be a mom because I needed to have a C-section. But that turned out to be the biggest lie. I am a good mom, a valid mom. The truth is that there’s no one way to become a parent.

Whether it’s through adoption, C-section, or vaginal birth, a child joining your life is every bit of magic and terror. Joy and bewilderment. A gift and a challenge. The way it happens isn’t better or worse than any other way; it’s just a part of your own story.