Stop asking my kids what their plans are for college. It’s the question they hate the most.

The author, second from left, has a few college-age kids.

As a mom of four teens and young adults, I’ve been in many situations where I’ve had to make awkward conversations with their friends or other teenagers. My fallback question was always the same with teens I didn’t know well: “So…what are you going to do after high school?”

But then, I discovered that my kids hate that question.

What I saw as an attempt to be friendly, they saw as a landmine of potential judgment and unsolicited opinions.

I conducted a very unscientific poll and found that many of their friends felt the same way. None of them liked being asked what they were planning to do next.

Every teen is different

As an eldest daughter, I knew what I’d do after high school well before I graduated. I had backup plans for my backup plans. I even graduated from college early after taking classes during winter and summer breaks.

So when my kids got to high school, I had to chill out. It’s one thing to say that you support them in whatever they decide. But when they decide on a career you hadn’t considered for them, or they don’t decide anything at all by the time you think they should … well, that can challenge your claims of unconditional support.

I had one kid who knew he was headed to college, even if he didn’t know where until right before high school graduation. I had one who didn’t know what she wanted to do at all. She’s now been out of high school for a year. She’s working, but she still doesn’t totally know what she’ll do career-wise. I’m not sure what’s on the horizon for my current high-schooler or his younger sister, but I know they’ll each forge their individual paths, too.

Part of the fun of being a parent is seeing how each of these kids develops into their own adult person. Beyond just seeing what they do next with their lives, I’m watching their personalities and characters develop.

Teens who don’t know their plans can get stressed out when people ask

I’ve seen my daughter stand up for herself and not make apologies when people ask her what she’s doing next. As a people-pleaser and model student, I couldn’t have met those questions with that amount of confidence. I’ve also seen the consideration she’s putting into what she’ll do next. And I very much appreciate that she’s not spending money to figure this out while she’s already in college.

Even though I admire my daughter for confidently answering that she doesn’t know her plans, it still stresses her out. Her high-school brother is starting to feel the pressure as well.

My children tell me that it bothers them and their friends when people ask what they’re doing next. They see it as an implication that they should have their futures figured out by now. They can feel judged.

At the very least, they can get stressed out and start thinking that they should be farther along in their life decisions than they actually are.

They’d much rather you ask them about what’s happening right now

So, if we know that this question bothers plenty of teenagers, what should we ask them instead?

Ask about their present. Ask them about what they’re doing right now. You can see if they have hobbies, are involved in sports, or play music. See what musicians they like or if they’re headed on a trip with their family. Ask about video games or movies.

When you think about it, high schoolers spend a lot of time focused on the future. My kids have had a lot of teachers lecture them about getting ready for college. So much of high school is focused on preparing teens for “the real world” after they graduate. Even playing sports, volunteering, or playing an instrument may all be fun, but underlying that is the knowledge that those activities look good on college applications.

Sometimes, it’s a relief for teens to be able to talk about what’s happening right now. It would probably feel like a much-needed break for them.

Someday, I’ll look back and know the answer to what my teens will do in the years after high school. Right now, I’m trying to enjoy each day I have with them as it comes. Judging by the years of parenting under my belt, I know this phase, too, will go by all too quickly.