We asked 4 DINKs how they make new child-free friends

Bing Gonzalez with her husband and their dog, left. Sandra Kushnir with her husband and their dog. 

In the early stages of their relationship, Bing Gonzalez and her husband always assumed they’d have kids.

But once they were married and settled enough to try, they decided against it — at least for the near future.

Like many millennial DINKs — dual-income couples with no kids — the couple use their free time and expendable income to focus on other endeavors, such as travel and social outings. In one year, they went to Greece and Hawaii as well as a host of local concerts and comedy shows. Gonzalez, 28, told B-17 that her flexibility as a DINK made it easier for her to pivot her career.

But opting out of parenthood came with a downside: being the last of their college friend group to be child-free.

“It was just surreal to see myself surrounded by my friends who are all having kids,” Gonzalez, who lives in Virginia, told BI. “It’s definitely affected our friendship in terms of we don’t hang out with them as much.”

Some child-free couples have reported feeling lonelier once most or all their friends started families. Online commenters have said not having kids also means opting out of the communities formed around kids, such as friendships with other parents.

But contrary to stereotypes of DINKs growing old alone, many are using their 30s to forge the deepest connections of their lives — from becoming aunties to their friends’ children to forming relationships in the unlikeliest of places.

Millennial DINKs might not know where they fit

American households have changed dramatically since boomers were parents. In 1960, married parents made up 44% of all US households. By 2022, they were outnumbered by both single people and child-free couples — that year, there were 38.1 million married and childless households, a 140% increase over 1960, USAFacts reported.

In general, millennials are marrying later than past generations, Jess Carbino, a former sociologist for Tinder and Bumble, told B-17. While boomers followed more of a uniform timeline — getting married and having kids in their 20s — millennials are hitting those milestones at different ages or not at all. “We’re in this in-between period for these individuals who are choosing to be childless,” Carbino said.

Sandra Kushnir, 32, grew up in Utah, where her closest childhood friends now have families. Their differences in lifestyles and schedules make it hard to plan activities she’d love to do with them, such as group vacations.

She moved to Los Angeles with her husband to focus on their careers and find friends with similar lifestyles. And while they have plenty of childless single and coupled friends, that doesn’t always translate to understanding. Some are “still doing drugs and drinking and going out,” Kushnir said. “We don’t want to do that anymore, but we also don’t have kids.”

Getting creative to keep up with parent friends

Because it’s hard to be as spontaneous with friends who have kids, DINK couples have to make some adjustments. Gonzalez and her husband travel to their friends’ homes a few times a year instead of meeting halfway.

Alex Alexander, 35, said she and her husband make it a point to travel with friends’ kids, such as taking an upcoming trip to Disneyland Paris with them.

“People with kids can’t just go do something at the last minute. That’s probably the biggest thing we’ve had to shift, is finding friends who have more availability to maybe just drop things and go do something,” Alexander, who lives in Seattle, told B-17.

“It’s a lot of work to tell people, ‘I still want to be in your life,'” Alexander added. “Because I do think that there’s this idea that once you have kids, you can’t find any overlap. And I don’t really think that’s true.”

Jess Lorimer, 33, based in Southampton, UK, said there are pluses to being child-free, such as having disposable income and additional energy. Child-free people like her “can be the fun auntie uncle energy that you might not always be able to be as the parent,” she told B-17. She enjoys going on trips with her parent friends and helping their kids build sandcastles and bringing back gifts from vacations for the children.

Making new friends

DINKs may have social gaps that aren’t always easy to fill if old friends are busy with kids. Making friends in your 30s comes with unique challenges.

“Life gets busier,” Gonzalez said. “There are more responsibilities; it’s much harder to keep the same level of friendship where you’re seeing each other multiple times a week.”

Carbino said DINKs have to look for groups or organizations where people are roughly the same age or in the same life stage, share the same general interests, and are open and available for new friends, too — something that gets tougher as people get older, settle into their schedules, and stick to their core friend groups.

Kushnir and her husband met some couple friends through Honeymoon Israel, a 10-day trip for Jewish and interfaith couples.

The program accepts couples ages 25 to 40 within the first five years of a committed relationship. Kushnir said “they kind of try to match couples that are in the same life stage as you on the trip.” They met multiple people just like them: interfaith couples with no kids, four of whom went on to have kids around the same time.

Kushnir said they also made like-minded friends by continuing to go to a local dog park. They befriended other child-free couples, or DINKWADs, DINKs with a dog, who were more likely to share some of their priorities and routines.

Kushnir with her husband and their dog. 

Other DINKs have had to examine their ideas around friendship in their 30s.

“A lot of people just think of friendship as all or nothing,” Alexander said. “If we really look at our friendships, we have people we go to for work problems, people we travel with — certain friends might fill a lot of buckets, a lot of needs.” When some of her longtime travel buddies had kids, she said she and her husband adjusted to inviting new friends on vacations.

Gonzalez, who’s met friends through work and some interest groups, made some unexpected connections: age-gap friendships with parents of older kids.

“Since their kids are older, they can stay home alone or their kids also have their own events and social life,” she said. “It frees the parents up a little bit more.”

Finding deeper friendships than the ones forged in their 20s

DINKs deal with a big transition period once most of their friends start having kids.

“You suddenly realize that you are not the priority anymore as friends,” Lorimer said. “You have to readjust your expectations of what your friends can reasonably manage.”

But that readjustment can also bring DINKs and parent friends closer together. Lorimer said that having so many friends with kids, or trying for them, exposed her and her husband to conversations they otherwise wouldn’t have had.

“We have friends talking about fertility, and we have work colleagues talking about infertility and miscarriages, which are just life experiences that we won’t ever go through,” she said. “I think it’s been interesting from an empathy perspective.”

While Kushnir lives far from her childhood friends, she keeps in contact with them. “They ask me questions about my life and update me, and I share some of my fears about having a family with them,” she said.

New friendships also have the potential to go deeper. Alexander tries to stay open to all new connections, including an older woman in her neighborhood. “When we see each other, we’ll sit at the same table at our neighborhood coffee shop and we’ll chat,” she said.

For DINKS who eventually want to become parents, having more time means finding a stronger support network for when they do have kids. “I would like to go through being pregnant and having a kid with somebody else,” Kushnir, who’s trying to time her pregnancy with one of her friends, said.

Going against the grain has its perks

While being child-free has become less taboo over the years, some DINKs still feel judged and roll their eyes at some of the stereotypes.

“People seem to think that DINKs are wandering around with Gucci handbags and spending all of their money and time frivolously,” Lorimer said. But she said she spends a lot of her time on work, charitable causes, and supporting her friends.

“One of the best things that I found about being child-free, particularly by choice, is that I’ve been able to be a lot more sympathetic to my friends who perhaps aren’t child-free by choice,” she said. She’s not judgmental of friends who are struggling to conceive or who question having children at all.

Lorimer said she spends much time working on charitable causes.

While it’s much harder to get together frequently because of diverging lifestyles, Alexander sees the “smaller value” in friendships. She’s OK with having a friend solely for paddleboarding or cookbook signings, and she tries to invite those friends to bigger bonding experiences, such as trips.

“I’ve had a pretty easy time making friends because I’ll kind of just allow it to build,” she said.

DINKs might have to figure out where they belong in their parent friends’ lives and their communities, but they’re also paving the way for the future.

“As conventions change, individuals will be able to adopt sort of a new model of what social life looks like among individuals who have smaller families and who choose to not have children at all,” Carbino said.

Lorimer, who has two godchildren, said she and her husband work “very hard” to stay involved in their friends’ lives. They always bring back presents from trips and make it a point to be involved in special occasions.

In return, they’ve received deep understanding. “We choose to be child-free, and we’ve always been really honest about that with our friends,” she said. “We’ve been very fortunate that our friends have taken the time to understand why we wouldn’t make the same decisions around children that they are.”