Watching TikTok videos with my teen keeps us connected. We’ve had thoughtful conversations thanks to social media.
The author’s son (not pictured) sends her TikToks while he’s away at his dad’s house.
My son is 15 and our lines of communication are wide open — a stark contrast from my relationship with my mom at his age. One of the reasons we stay connected is social media.
As a GenXer, staying current with technology has always been important. I was around for Pong, AOL Instant Messenger, and Netscape, and now I buy coffee through an app and pay for haircuts with Venmo.
Keeping up with trends and lingo is part of my work. So I spend time daily on my old lady platform (Facebook) but also on Reddit, Instagram, and TikTok.
TikTok and Instagram have allowed me to continue communicating with my kid even when the sound of my voice is annoying.
We watch videos together
I have shared custody, so I see him every other week. A year ago, he started sending me TikToks and Reels from his dad’s, with the admonishment that I would not watch them until we were together the following week. This is now a ritual. One of the first things we do when he arrives is watch everything he sent.
This can be a time suck. There can be hundreds of videos to watch. But I know it’s important to find this time to connect. He sometimes sends videos from school or at night after I’ve gone to bed so we have daily content to watch. He’ll hop on the bed next to me before I go to sleep so we can watch them together and discuss. Mostly, we laugh a lot.
He isn’t into snuggles anymore
This precious time is pretty much all the physical connection we have left. Gone is the little boy who loved to be carried for hikes, toddled next to me through farmer’s markets, and sat on my lap while we watched movies at home. This tall, gangly kid isn’t into snuggles. But I believe physical touch is still an important part of our bond. For him, it’s OK to sit next to me with his leg touching mine if we’re sharing these laughs.
It’s more than laughs, though. While many videos are gross or silly teenage boy humor, others are thought-provoking, sparking deep discussion and spirited debate.
Politics, religion, science, life choices, and risk-taking are just some of the discussions social content has sparked. He questions things at a more advanced level than I ever could have at his age.
We are learning things
Recently, we had an hourlong debate about chores based on a TikTok I sent that quoted a Harvard study that concludes that kids who do chores are ultimately more successful. I give him chores, but his dad doesn’t. His friends who do chores get paid for them via an allowance. Nobody pays adults to do chores, so I don’t pay him because, in my view, we should all contribute to the upkeep of our home for mutual good.
He presented his viewpoints, and I argued each one, discussing adult responsibilities and the importance of a place that’s kept nice, even if it’s just for you. When it was over, he said, “About halfway through, I realized I was wrong, but I felt like I had to keep arguing.” We talked about that, too — how to gracefully concede.
I also use it to show him what’s coming up — I have always prepared him for what’s next. I send him funny videos of parents teaching their kids to drive, and he sends them back to me. At the end of the summer, I sent videos of college students on their first night in the dorm after being dropped off by their parents. Some were funny; some were definitely poignant. He also sends them back to me — like a kid not knowing how to answer questions at the on-campus medical clinic, with the message, “Me when I get to college.”
None of this connection would be happening if we didn’t communicate through these videos.
My hope is that we can continue to stay connected this way. I don’t want him to roll his eyes when he sees me calling; I want to be the mom with whom he can still freely share his questions, challenges, and, most especially, what made him laugh today.
